Maybe this scene is familiar: It’s been a long day at work and you’re exhausted. As you sit in rush hour traffic you start to think of all the “work” you still have to do when you get home. When you finally do get home you are greeted with endless licks and tail wagging from the pup and a weird grunt in your direction from your teenage son.

“What’s for dinner?” he commands.

“Well, hello to you too. I’m about to figure that out. You were supposed to bring the trash cans in and I saw they were still at the curb. Can you go take care of that now please?” you say kindly and firmly in your best Positive Discipline Parenting voice.

“This sucks!!! I hate chores!! I hate living here! I hate you! You make my life miserable!!” he screams.

Yikes! What just happened? Some parents may get angry at this seemingly blatant disrespect and meet their teen right where they are, in frustration. And they may scream something back like, “If you don’t like it, you pay the bills!” Or “That’s it! You’re grounded for speaking to me like that! No phone, No video games, no computer, nothing!! That will teach you how to respect me!” (Um, side note…it won’t. But that’s a whole other blog post, so stay tuned).

The thing is, this demonstration from your teen is about him, it’s not about you! This is where Momtra No. 5 comes in- It’s Not Personal. Take a deep breath and repeat the Momtra again- It’s Not Personal. Now you may be thinking, hey, this kid was rude to ME, disrespectful to ME and yelled at ME…so of course it’s personal! It’s not. As Dr. Shefali Tsabary explains, as parents we need to see our child picking up their bow and getting ready to shoot their arrow at us. Then rather than standing still and being their target, we ever so slightly, bob out of the way, watch the arrow go by and then point it out, “Hmm, there goes an arrow.”

Picture this: your child is walking around all day collecting arrows that are hurled at him. When it was lunch time at school and he went to his normal spot at the tables, he realized his friends all ditched him, went off campus for lunch and didn’t invite him. Arrow. In his Math class, he realizes he forgot his Math homework on the kitchen table at home and his Math teacher scolds him in front of the whole class on how irresponsible he is. Arrow. After school, when he goes to the bike rack he sees his bike has a nail in the tire with a bright yellow post it note that reads, “FLAT out NAILED it!” Arrow. (Geez, kids are cruel!) He walks his bike to the CVS that’s on the way home and goes in to buy some chips and a Gatorade. The cashier snarls at him to leave his backpack outside and then mumbles something about “stupid teenagers.” Arrow. It goes on and on. He collects all these arrows but wouldn’t dare fire back. That is until you, Mommy Dearest walk in the door. You make for a safe target. So ready or not, here they come!

Your child/teen/*kidult has bad days….just like you. They just don’t always know what to do with the arrows. Add to that basic things like hunger, exhaustion and hormones and it could get ugly. What if instead of being a target for their arrows, you show compassion, empathy and understanding? Using the powerful Momtra and not taking it personal could help completely transform the whole interaction.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying you and your child shouldn’t treat one another with kindness and respect. I am saying take a look at the bigger picture. See the other factors at play- his arrows and hunger, your fatigue and hunger. Note to self: have snacks on hand! Choose your battles. In this example it may be enough to simply say “Yikes!” as the arrow flies by you. Maybe you could even get in a quick empathetic blurb like “Looks like you’ve had a rough day.” See if you can involve him in helping make dinner…good luck with that part. Hey, it’s worth a shot!

Stay Positive,

*Kidult- A word I created to describe someone who is legally an adult but often times still acts like a kid. Typically 17-20 year olds.