It’s been longer than I’d like to admit since I’ve written a blog post here. I guess I just believed that eventually the right spark on the right topic would get me back to the keyboard…and it has. The conversation about getting off the field has come up 3 times in the last 2 weeks so I knew it was time to share what’s on my heart. Here’s my take and I’d love to hear yours in the comments below this post or over on Facebook in the Nest.
I get it. I really do. You want to help your kids. Their next move is so crystal clear- to you. They are SO very close to the goal. You want to just jump in there and do it for them. You’ll score (just this once) for them and the crowd will go wild and your kid will be the MVP of the game and will achieve the infamous titles of Happy and Successful.
Yeah, no.
Sorry (not sorry) to burst your parenting bubble, but it just doesn’t work like that.
In fact, when we take over for them, while we may be preventing them from temporary discomfort, struggle or hurt, we’re actually hurting them more in the long run. We are essentially robbing them of the life lessons designed especially for them. We’re actually stunting their emotional growth.
Uh-oh. That wasn’t your intention.
I know.
Which is why it’s so important for parents to really understand this concept.
And the best way I can explain it is by using a soccer game (match?) analogy. Not because I’m a devoted soccer fan or because my kids were all star soccer players (when my favorite son was on a pee wee soccer team he would score goals for the other team cuz he wanted to be “nice. Gotta love him!) And not just because I’m really digging the amazing US Soccer Olympic Gold Medalist, Abby Wambach’s new book, Wolfpack (a must read).
No, I’m using soccer to explain because that’s what came out of my mouth a couple years ago when I was sharing this idea with a client and the story has stuck and parents get it.
It goes like this: your kid plays soccer. Thanks to you, she has all the necessary gear from the cleats to the shin guards to the super ginormous water bottle with the twisty plastic straw. She learns the soccer moves. She practices. And then it’s game day. It’s your kids’ first (or 500th) game.
You, being the supportive parent that you are, go to watch her game. You’re in your lawn chair, alongside all the other parents cheering the kids on.
And then the game gets intense.
You’re nervcited.
Nervous she may get hurt. Excited because the team might actually win. That’s your baby out there!
You see an opening…if she could just get the ball, run to the right a little and then just kick, it would be a goal. What do you do?
Do you leap from your chair and run on the field and do it for her? No.
Do you get out there and direct her step by step through the moves. Also No.
You stay where you are. On the sidelines. Where the parents belong. Your only job now is to watch and encourage.
The thing is, whether a soccer game, middle school friend drama, studying for a big test, navigating through a messy relationship, choosing colleges, applying for jobs or anything else- it’s their game, not yours.
You had your game. Don’t try to make them play as you did, or wish you had. Let them Be. You’ve prepared them well. You can’t protect them from Life. That’s not your job as a parent.
Let them grow. And take steps to help shift your own perspectives when it comes to parenting for the long game not just the quick win.
Be the spectator, not the player. They got this! And that doesn’t mean they won’t have ups and downs, bumps and discomfort along the way. They will, because as we know, that’s part of the game.
Grab your lawn chair and a cold beverage. Have a seat. Cheer them on. BE there for them. Know that they’re gonna be okay. Just watch.
Follow Your Heart,
PS- If you want to jump in and learn more about how Positive Discipline Parenting tools can transform your family, I’m happy to announce you can sign up NOW for my upcoming 4 Week Online Parenting class which begins May 8th. Registration closes Sunday, April 28th. Check it out here: Online PD Class
Annnnd I’d like to invite you to join our new Facebook group, the iParent Plus Nestย where you’ll find a discount coupon code for the class as well as interesting articles, discussion, parenting tools and more in a judgement free open and welcoming community. Hope to “see” you there soon!
