Jumping off a high dive is scary for some people.  I happen to be just fine climbing up the ladder.   I don’t really have a problem with heights.  The view and perspective as you go higher on the ladder is actually quite stunning. I enjoy the little adrenaline rush that comes with the climb. It’s energizing and exciting even.  Not bad, really.

Finally, when you arrive at the highest point of the ladder, you have to walk out on the board.  This part, I can admit, makes me a little nervous.  The air in the breeze is different up there.  It’s actually chillier and my body automatically starts to tremble ever so slightly.  But it’s not too bad, really.

Then there is the actual very long walk out on the board.  It is so very…quiet.  I can hear my heart beat, and it’s beating double tempo.  I’m breathing differently. Faster. And I can’t seem to catch my breath. And my whole body is shaking so much that the board is shaking now and that just makes me shake more. My stomach is flipping and flopping and not with cute butterflies. More like angry birds. Ok, this is pretty bad, really.

I make the crazy mistake of looking down.  What the hell am I doing up here? What was I thinking? I’m too old for this!  Everyone is looking at me and my jiggly, cellulite covered thighs!  Oh no, this isn’t happening.  There is no way.  I absolutely should not, would not, could not jump off this diving board.  I’m terrified and I’m paralyzed by fear. I can’t hear any sounds.  I can’t see straight.  I’m all alone.  I’m not sure I’m breathing. I’m in a full blown panic. I try to steady my gaze on two shapes far below in the water. They look vaguely familiar.

One of them screams, “Jush umplinickle moan!”
What the hell? This is what happens when you’re dying?  It all plays out in a foreign language? That’s messed up.
I yell back, “WHAT?”
And then I try to listen very carefully and I hear, “Just jump already Mom!!”
Oh! Those are my kids in the pool.  They want me to jump in with them. Um, no thank you!  I changed my mind.  I can not. I need to stop shaking. And do something.  But what?  I need to turn myself around and walk back on this board, down that ladder and back to safety.  Yes.  That’s my plan.
But they are watching.  And afterall I wanted this.  I wanted to jump in and now here I am.  I pretended to be so brave when they dared me to do it.  I have to jump.

I take a giant gulp of air in and remind myself it’s just water.  I remind myself I know how to swim…kinda.  I tell myself the water will catch me.  I invisibly glue my arms to the side of my body so I can glide into the surface of the water instead of flop in.  That seems to a more graceful and less painful apporach. I close my eyes shut- super, duper tight. And then I jump.

I’m falling but I’m free. I break the silence with a super loud “whoooohooooo!” This is fun…I think. Maybe?  And then in a quick splash I land in the pool. When I surface I feel exhausted and energized at the same time.  Rather than exerting more effort, I turn on my back and just float. Breathe deep and float.  And I realize as my kids swim over laughing and cheering, this isn’t bad. It’s actually really, really good.

What does this have to do with anything?  Well, blogging has been my own personal high dive.  I’ve had some great ideas since I launched my blog over a year ago.  The visions have been pretty awesome.  But every time I would get out on the board and start tapping away on my laptop, fear would creep in.

What if my writing sucks?  What if no one reads what I write?  What if no one cares?  What if they see me with all my flaws hanging out?

But the thing is…..at some point you just gotta jump right?  So, I’m doing this for me.  This is my space to write.  It’s meaningful to me.  I don’t have to meet anyone else’s deadlines or expectations.  If someone reads what I write here, cool.  If not, cool.  If they like it, great.  If they don’t great. I’m jumping in. I’m releasing myself from the outcome and embracing the process.  I know it will help me grow and if it helps someone else too, well that’s awesome, really.

I may not have cool pictures, and my posts may be random and irregular.  But I think the hardest part is that first jump. So here I go….Cowwabunga!!  Just Jumping.

Stay Positive,